Our weekend was quite.  That is always good.  DH worked on work from the store a lot of the weekend.  He is hoping to be "caught up" after some jobs bid this week.  I hope!  

This week I don't have a lot of plans.  Work on school with the kids and get laundry done today.  I am wanting to finish cleaning freezers out and rearranging them.  I had hoped to get the walk in done before now, but with dh back hurting and him being way over worked freezer is on hold.  I am trying not to be frustrated.  I do have a beef that needs to find a home in my freezer soon.  

The mornings are feeling so much like fall.  It is down in the 50s and oh getting out of bed is so hard!  If the window was shut and the fan not going in it I'm sure getting up would be much easier.   The days are warming up into the mid 80s.  I am enjoying each day.  I dread colder weather though.   I like warm!   This weather is really perfect.  

Since MN made choices on attitude that cost her working at Junction today I don't have to rush around to get her to my son.  I really think she did it to not go.  She misses us when she goes.  Yet loves to go.  We had talked about this before she made bad choices that cost her going.  I had explained it is her choice if she goes.  I had also told her it is OK to miss us.  It is OK to wonder what we are doing and talking about.   I don't know if she will want to go next week or not.  I try hard to let her make these choices and support her either way.  I think in some ways her attachment is much like a much younger child.  She almost needs to see mommy to know I will be here.  This to will pass as she continues to mature and grow emotionally.

Guess it is time to start my day.  Everyone have a blessed day! 

Again tonight God showed up at our house.  I don't know why I am always so blown away by His power and grace, but I am.  He is Amazing!

J had ask to talk last night then decided she didn't feel well so she would just go to bed.  Tonight I ask if she wanted to talk. She decided to talk.  We went to the swing where it was dark.  It was so pretty setting there looking at the stars and pool by moonlight.  She said she has had a lot of things going on in her head.  That satan is really telling her she shouldn't be happy here, shouldn't let us love her, shouldn't love us.....   We talked about how we knew he would try after Sunday to attack. I reminded her that the Bible says resist the devil and he will flee. 

As we talked I ask her to really define her feelings.  Was she mad, sad, glad, angry, frustrated?  She thought and said depressed.  As we talked I ask her if she was willing to find out what God said. She agreed. I held her hands and we started praying.  Asking God to take her back to the ROOT of why she was depressed.   Not a twig or leave or even the trunk of the problem, but to show her the very root of it and then help her remove it.  As she prayed her hands would squeeze mine more and less. Finally she was back to about 5 yo.  She was on her bed.  Her step father was yelling at her and name calling.  I ask her what Jesus said about it.  "The names aren't true.  I will keep you safe.  You are my child."   We continued to pray.  After a bit we started talking about her step father.  He was very abusive, but not at first.  He became that way over time and with an illness that cost him his life.  She "thinks" it was brain cancer.  I explained about how anything be it cancer or just tumors growing in his brain could have caused the change in personality.  We talked more about abuse and how abusers were abused as children.  She didn't know that. 

I said some thing about the root of her depression and she said she thought she knew now.  She shared that he had wanted her to love him, but she being about 3 and afraid of attaching hadn't told him she loved him. How she wished she had.  How she wished he was here so she could tell him now. 

I ask her to let God show her that her step dad did know she loved him.  I ask her to go back in her memories and let God show her good memories.  She agreed and we prayed.  She was sobbing as she saw herself setting in his lap as her mom took pictures and everyone was laughing.  She now knows he knew she loved him.  

She spoke out loud she forgives him for the abuse.  Over and over she said she forgives him through many tears and hugs.   This is really huge.  Her anger at him was very real.  She didn't understand how the others could forgive their bio's for the abuse.  They didn't understand how she couldn't.   After she had forgiven him I ask her what picture comes to mind when I say his name.  She smiled and said him laughing.   I ask her what picture it was an hour ago.  She said him hurting me. 

We talked about God helping her file her memories away correctly.  That just like when you pick up a bunch of pictures you go through them and the yucky ones you tuck back never to look at He is helping her do that.  They are there if she needs to look, but they aren't in her memory scrap book of stuff she sees when she remembers the past.

God really is doing a work in her!  I am so amazed to stand and watch.   I am honored to be a part of it. 

We had a great therapy session yesterday. I decided it was easier to just print off my blog for the Therapist to read rather than try to relate it.  After she read it we talked about how amazing God is and how He is healing these children.   Then it was J's turn.   The first thing she announced was, "God came to our house on Sunday".  She then related the events much like what I had written to the therapist.  She shared how she wasn't afraid anymore.  How free she felt etc.    

She also told her something I did in WM to her. We have a checker that always knows us. So the kids love to tell her hi when we go in. J sorta got in her face and said, "Do you like my hair?" The typical "notice me" stuff. I told her that was uncalled for. We went on and I ask her how would it have looked if I had done that. She had this shocked look and said "Strange!". I pointed out she was almost an adult and needed to start considering stuff like that. Then she said, "But you want me to act like a kid." MN I think pointed out we want her to PLAY and be a kid. I also said you don't see these kids doing that type stuff. As we are walking and talking I ask her if she knows why she does stuff like this. She has no clue. I ask if she would like to know? She agrees. We are over in a quite section of the store. I face her and drape my arms around her shoulders so we are linked. Then I explain how no one ever noticed J for just being J. That every kid needs attention and to be noticed. How she learned to do stuff so at least SOME ONE would notice, even if it isn't the people that should be. I tell her she doesn't have to do these things to get attention now. She has family that will give her all the attention she needs. Then I just hug her. She hugs back, clings a minute and then we go back to shopping. I guess it made a big impression since she had to tell the therapist about it.

Today I may get my laundry soap done.  I think everyone had other things to do so no one is coming out.  Oh well it was more of an excuse than a need to have "help" to do laundry soap.  It takes 10 minutes and then we visit the rest of the time.

It seems I am in granny slow today.  I didn't get this posted before chore time so I am back after chores.  Eating a bowl of granola as I finish this up.  I hope to make it to chat some in the prayer time this morning.  http://www.ourprayer.org/chatrooms/  Come join us if you are led to Christian Chat.  We have a prayer time at 10 AM Central time and 8 pm .  It is wonderful!

Kids are doing various things toward their day. MN is feeding and talking to her goats.   The other three are either cooking or eating breakfast.  I have already been ask about 3 times when we will do the miquon math.   Seems at least one of them looks fwd to it. 

I need to go do my morning check to see if I can find SOS 6th grade and the SOS Texas History.   If I start looking now then maybe by the time I need it I will have found it at less than full price.

Bloging without Internet. This morning my Internet is up and down so I will type my blog out in openoffice instead of risking loosing the post. I don't always know why our Internet is down. Sometimes I wonder if it is sun spots.

Our normal day yesterday was really normal for us. My birthday boy was looking kind of bored since he did his school the day before so he didn't have to do any yesterday. I am starting to often, (Daily) see the man he is to become. He was kind of walked around lost with no school to do. I ask him if he wanted to do a job for me? He wasn't sure until I told him go patch fence. He loved it! I drew him a map of where the down fence was and told him how to fix it. He came back proud and couldn't wait to show me his job. I looked at it yesterday afternoon as I went for cows. He did a super job! He is hired!

Later in the day I saw the young woman I want to see all time in J. They are crafting on the floor. MJ says, "I'm a failure!" I didn't hear it, but J was so wonderful in, "MJ don't say that! It's not true!" after I found out what was said and agreed with J she offered to help him do what ever craft he is having trouble with. Her tone along with her words spoke volumes. Teaching her to share her heart is a process. She tends to want to not consider the others in the family just what J wants. I know this is so normal and I don't make a big deal out of it other than showing her how it hurts others when we are self centered and how we miss blessings like that. Later I was telling her how proud I was of how she defended MJ from himself. She said, “A month ago I wouldn't have.” Then we talked about how it feels to give of yourself. She likes those feelings.

Other fun stuff we did was work on the miquon math together. It teaches number patters. We aren't doing all of the pages and just doing parts of each page. Then I took the time as they did their other math to relate back what the miquon talked about. What I find funny and interesting is after we “finish” with miquon they sit at the table and go back and do the skipped pages and color the things you can sorta color. Even J is doing it. More of the little girl in her getting to do what little girls should.

After all our school I installed a new Sign Language study for MN. She seems to really enjoy studying sign language. She was thrilled. She passed up bike riding with the other 3 to study.

I did take some time yesterday to go practice shooting at turtles. I used 2 clips worth. I doubt I got any turtles. One at best! I need to do this more. I had 3 kids come out to watch. One got bored and wondered back in. One was still working on school. Since I only found 3 pair of extra ear plugs that worked well.

Just before dark MN was doing her goats and the other three were swimming. J comes running to the house yelling “rattlesnake!” I had left my fanny pack with my gun on so I was ready. I took off to get it. I got out there to find this tiny very angry little snake all coiled up striking at everything that came close. It may be 8 inches long. MN had kicked the board he was hiding under off and really upset his apple cart. I knew from the color way before I got there it wasn't a “normal” rattlesnake. I also knew I wasn't wasting a bullet on it. I looked at it close and even thought it was shaking it's tail in a might fashion there was no button on the end. Rattlesnakes at that size have only a “button” and make little or no noise as they rattle. But, MAD! This little snake was mad. I ask MN to find me a coffee can. She did and I gently managed to get him to crawl/strike his way in it. I brought him to the house, found a gallon glass jar to put him in. Then I decided to take the dumping from the coffee can to the jar outside to do. It was a snap! I sat him here beside the computer as I tried to identify him. We think he is a kingsnake. Which is really cool, since we don't have a lot of them and they are enemies of rattlesnakes. This one is young so it must have hatched near here. I am hoping we have a lot more!

Will we keep it? I don't know. My step MIL has a kingsnake named Princess that she has had 15 years are so. It was just about this size when she got it. Today we will get some books at the library to learn more about them. Hands on learning is so much more fun. Last night as I worked to identify the snake they all gathered around the computer and watched and agreed and disagreed as to what it was. They will look at the books and learn not just about kingsnakes but reptiles in general as they search for kingsnake information.

I'm seeing something interesting. J WANTS to learn! I installed her math and health on the computer and she starts her school without being told. She strives to perfection. I see this as an area that is both a blessing and curse. If she gets to hung up on "perfect" then we will have to deal with that, but for now the perfection mentality is serving well to get her to try hard. She has almost no knowledge of nouns, verbs, adj..... If you hear her speak you hear her lack of education in so many ways. We are doing a very simple 10 minute a day review for Grammar. I am having her do 2 days worth each day. I printed off the answer key for her to check herself. I explained that as long as she is doing it then grading it she will be given the chance to self teach. That if she learns to love learning and self teach the sky is the limit at what she can learn. How can a child that seems to want to learn be so far behind?

I ask this question on my foster/adopt board. Someone had an answer. “For every move a child has in foster care they loose 6 months worth of education.” Wow! To put that in better prospective for J she was moved 2-4 times a year for 3 years. She can spout off more homes she was in than you can imagine. Some were good and tried to help her catch up, most didn't care, or didn't have the time to help one child struggling with school and all the other stressers that come with being a “ward of the state.”

Today is our town day. We have therapy this afternoon. I don't have much of a town list so may find a park to hang out in for a while. At the speed we are going today we may not have time. It is a cool, don't want to get out of bed morning. MN either didn't set her alarm or J turned it off BEFORE it went off. She has been told not to touch it when it goes off. I can't remember if I explained that includes cutting it off after MN goes to sleep but before it goes off or not. She can throw pillows at MN or yell at her but she can't cut it off. T was my first child up today. That is rare. She usually drags down about the same time as J. Since she is still sleeping down stairs she didn't have that option. She still usually doesn't get up until called. She is now upstairs waking everyone else up.

Oh! I tried making granola using blended dates for sweetness. I did have to add just a little more water. The flavor is great! I need to do some research, but I think I have read where dates don't spike blood sugar as much as other sugars. It breaks down slower.

Net is FINLALLY up! So off to post this and off to town!

God's Mercy and the prayers of my friends we made it through our CPS visit.  It was short and not bad.  I try hard to not let my fear/uncomfortableness show but after they left MN came to me and talked about how uncomfortable having CPS out makes her.  It brings back lots of memories and fears of her past.  We talked about how they have a job to do and because someone did the job right she is alive today.   She has no doubt she would be dead if she hadn't been removed.  She "gets" that, but it still makes her uncomfortable.  I so "get" that!  

They were only out maybe 20 minutes.   The adoption worker only has to come every 3 months the case worker has to come every month.  The case worker was terrified of the milk cows.  The Jersey to be precise.   She was telling us how BIG that cow was.   I tried explaining that she isn't big and she is very gentle. That I get almost under her every day to milk.  She told me she noticed the milking equipment.  I am trying to figure out what milking equipment she "noticed".  My milker is setting out, but it is just a big steel can.  You can't see the machine without going in the barn.  Then I have a light bulb moment.  She noticed that the cow had an udder!    She said she wouldn't be coming out alone.  She was to scared of the cows and such.  

I am reading a 2 book set that is sooo good and at the same time so heartbreaking/heartwarming.  The author is Kim Meeder.  The two books are Hope Rising and A Bridge Called Hope.  I really recommend anyone that has a heart for horses or kids read them with a BIG box of tissue.  Most of the stories have happy endings, but the getting to the end is painful and emotional at times.  Or maybe I am just still so touched by the Holy Spirit from this weekend I am more sensitive  to His touch in what I read.   Either way I read and tears flow and kids ask "Are you OK?", I nod and life goes on.  I have finished A Bridge Called Hope.    It is really the second book.   I am almost finished with the first book now.  The books are true stories from a ranch that does horse rescues and helps children heal using the horses they have saved and helped heal.  It is amazing!   They are Christian and very much gives God the credit for some amazing things.  

Life is starting around here so I better get busy. We are "planning" on a quite day around here.  Now plans and what really happens can be very different around here.  

My most exciting idea for today is to try and get some of the turtles out of the pond this afternoon.  I figure that will accomplish two things.  I can practice my shooting and rid the pond of a few annoying turtles.  The turtles kill the baby ducks when we have them.  The grab them by the leg and pull them under until they drown then eat them.   

Today I have a 12 yo boy!  We will have cake over the weekend.  Not even sure which day.  He has ask for dark chocolate.  MMMMMmmmm  A child after my own heart! 

OK time to gt busy!  Everyone leave a commit and share a prayer request or blessing in your own life!

We had a great day yesterday.   J and I agree on where she is in math.  She is WAY behind.  Can someone tell me how a child can be in the system and no one notice she can't do simple math?   She took two different proficiency test and both of them set her grade level about 5th grade.  She is OK with starting there.  She has decided to do two years of math by the end of March.  I am praying she will continue to work hard to catch up. She is capable. 

She is still testing in Language Arts.   That should be closer to "normal".   I started her on the math and added a Health cur. for her.   She is still being required to do lots of reading for mom.  I would like to really test her reading level.   My mommy gut says it isn't as high as she claims it is.   With all the required reading and discussion going on that will self correct I am thinking even if it is lower than I would like. 

Today is our CPS visit.  Have I prepared?  Yep, I prayed!  I do dread it.  I understand their job is to see that kid are in safe environments.  I don't have a problem with that.  You just hear so many horror stories of CPS playing God.   I have a God, don't need CPS to try to replace him.  I am planning on having life as normal around here.  I guess I should say OUR version of normal.  

MN worked her tail off yesterday according to older son.  She did her share and more.  She worked at the auction with him all day then they drove back to town, (2 hours) and worked another 2 hours into the dark sorting and working sheep and goats.  She got home with her "loot" about 9:30.  I haven't gotten to see her prizes yet.  She has two feeder kids, one sick/dying kid and one full grown nanny that either the dog/coyotes or fence had torn up a back leg pretty bad.  She was cheap and my ds (not sure what the d should stand for) bought it for her.     It sure brings back memories of when he was 12-17 years old.  He did this EVERY week.  Bringing home the dead and dying to nurture or haul to the dump.  This morning to add to the CPS visit we get to play vet.   She is just learning that part.   So mom has to do lots of overseeing.   Such is life!  It is never dull. 

Even with her working hard all day and not getting to bed until 10 last night when her alarm went off this morning she got up and is busy working on school work.   I admire her for her hard work.   If she continues to work at this work ethic she will go far at what ever she decides to do as an adult. 

I guess if I want to get the things I need done I better get me moving.  I had wanted to have hot rolls/bread cooking or fresh out of the oven this morning when they arrived.    Might as well try buttering them up right?   I also need to make granola. 

Speaking of granola, I am going to try something different in making it this time.  I have some dates that I am going to use for the "sugar".   I will vita mix them with the water that I boil with the oil and pour over the oats.  It will give it a different flavor I think.  I tried it with oat meal the other day and the flavor was good.  I just added the water I would use to the vita mix, dates, blended then brought the water to a boil on the stove and added the oatmeal.   My DH ask why I was going to do that. Was I out of rapadure or honey?  No, just to see if I can    He shook his head!  We are eating about 2 gallons of granola every 2 weeks.  It is the stand by breakfast, and the snack of choice and half the time given the choice of left overs or granola and milk at least one will opt for granola. 

OK Time to get my day started. Please keep us in prayer today as we visit with CPS.  I will try to find the time to post how the visit went later today, but with our life it may be tomorrow. 

As always Monday for me means a fresh week full of promise.   I know I have laundry today.  CPS will be here tomorrow.  I am trying to not dread that.  The rest of the week isn't suppose to be eventful.  We are suppose to make laundry soap on Friday.  I don't know if anyone wants to come out and do it or not.   I will make some!  I am almost out.  

My dh left this morning and won't be home until Wed. night.     We are that rare couple that even after 30 years of marriage we miss each other when we are apart.

MN is up and looking fwd to her day.  She almost didn't get to go. She did to much procrastinating over the weekend with her school.  Then when she wanted it done quickly she found she had some tough math to do and almost didn't pass it.  I told her new rule at 5 on Sunday she will either be done are calling her brother to tell him she won't be going.  She will learn time management. 

I am LOVING our new chore chart/ticket way of life.  Each Monday I print out the weeks chores from Chorebuster.net.  I don't have to think.  It is all on the computer.  It mixes them up each week so they don't get the same ones day in and day out.  Each child has a bunch of card stock "tickets".   I collect tickets for all misdeeds.  If they leave food out, they owe me a ticket.  If I ask them to do something and they don't then I get a ticket.  If they don't work on school work in a timely manor I get a ticket.  It boils down to all those things that make mom crazy through out the day, cost them a ticket.  Each ticket cost them $.25.  Each chore has a $$ amount attached. When they complete the days chores I sign their chore chart for that day, or the chores they did.   If they "forget" to get it signed then no $$.  On Monday I total chores and tickets.  Hard work and good behaviour pays off.  Lack of either cost them money.  I avoid the hassles of nagging.  I just say, "Ticket please!" rather than nagging.  I am also using it to break bad behaviours.  J has a horrible habit of saying "Ain't".  It drives me nuts!  I have ask, I have corrected still I hear ain't a lot.  So now I collect a ticket each time I hear ain't.  It has went from several ain'ts a day to some days none!   She is the only one getting ALL her chores done each day.  She is MOTIVATED to achieve for $$$$.  She isn't as motivated to follow the rules, but as she has to pay me back out of what she earns I think that will change.

I added a chore to kitchen starting this week. Who ever has kitchen chore also is responsible for helping/preparing supper.  They are excited about that.  I am not as excited, but look at it as school.  They all need to have more kitchen exposure so this will insure I do it.  I find it so easy to just go cook.   Now I will have to think and allow a kid to help. 

My day is starting so I better get busy.  Leave a commit if you time!  Have a blessed day!

We get every thing and every one loaded for Church. MN decides to once more go out of her way to TRY and get J in trouble. WRONG move! I demand a reason. I get junk. I set with the car running waiting. DH comes back to see what is going on. She hands him come cock and bull story about feeling like she was in trouble this morning.

I kill the car and get out. That was the straw that broke the trip to church. I unloaded my purse and Bible. We WILL be staying home. I didn't need much reason and playing referee was more than enough reason. MN is upset and mad and not exactly happy. After she has changed I give her the choice of talking or not. She finally decides to talk so to the swing we go.

We swing and swing. She admits she is jealous of J. No surprise there. I congratulate her on being real. This circle of talking and not goes on, no eye contact to speak off. Finally I start getting some. I ask her if she knows why she is jealous of J. She doesn't know. I ask her if she wants to see what Jesus will show her. She is willing. So I take her hands and she shuts her eyes and I start praying that God will take her back into her memory to the root of this feeling of jealousy for J. In a bit she opens her eyes. She then explains that the picture God gave was of her and her bio mom and and T walking. Bio is snuggling T and MN is left out. She sees J as T and Bio as me. I then ask her to go back and see what Jesus has to say about J. She shuts her eyes and we pray and when she opens them she says, “Your not bio, and J just wants someone to love her.” I ask her how she feels about J at this point. “Not nearly as angry.” So we talk a little more. Then my very wise daughter comes up with an exercise we need to all do.

She explains we need to all write down what Love means. Not just Love, but Heart love and Head love. That they are different and mean different things to different people. Then we need to set at the table and read them and talk about them. So we do. That really is a tough exercise if you are honest. Heart love and brain/mind/head love are very different.

After we have talked about it for a while I feel led to ask T why she keeps making choices that get her in trouble. No answer. I ask her if she is willing to let Jesus help her figure it out. She agrees. I take her hands and she sets in front of me as I pray asking Jesus to take her back in her memories to find why she keeps making choices that get her in trouble. I ask that He be with her as she goes back. I remind her she is safe as she goes back in her memories. When I look up tears are rolling down her face. Now you have to understand T doesn't cry when things get serious, she gets funny. I have saw her cry over her past a couple of times period. I knew we were going deep. I gathered her in my arms. As I rocked her and held her tight I whispered she was safe to tell me what she saw. She began with seeing a baby in bio's arms. Bio put the baby down and started beating both MN and MJ. They started screaming. Bio dad was also in on the beating and screaming and yelling at them to “Shut up”. The “baby” was afraid and started crying. At that point she couldn't tell me what else happened. I kept asking her what happened to the baby. Her body would twitch and jerk and she was sobbing. As I rocked and comforted she finally was able to tell about the baby being slapped and yelled at and called names. As we rocked I ask her to let Jesus speak truth. She shut her eyes and we went back again into her memories. Once she had opened her eyes I told everyone who were still setting at the table they could leave. I look at J she is totally about to loose it. She almost falls into my lap. Remember I am still holding T. She is now taking up the other side of my lap. She is sobbing that she knows what T feels. That she understands how bad their abuse was. T is sobbing on the other shoulder, so I do what any good mom would do. I sob on both their shoulders! As I am sobbing I am telling J that by facing the past and learning the truth they will be free. That God's truth will set you free. I then ask T to tell J what Jesus told her. She looks at J and says “I'm safe.” Then I ask her what He said about the name calling. “That it isn't true. I'm not dumb or stupid.” This said not to me but directly into J's face. J is still sobbing. As she gets a little but under control I ask T how she feels. I am rewarded with a HUGE grin and hug. I ask her if it is OK if she gets down so I can help J. Off she scoots.

I turn to J and ask if she wants to go back down memory lane to help heal herself. She nods and away we go. I take her hands and start praying as she shuts her eyes. I ask Jesus to show her in her past what she is afraid of. I don't even know exactly what I ask. But she goes back to where she is 5 and her step dad is beating her and telling her she is worthless and should be dead. She is sobbing as she tells me this and relives it. Then I ask Jesus to show her the truth. This is beyond words beautiful to me. She tells me Jesus was there, protecting her. He was pushing her away! Yes, there was wonder in her voice and tears as she spoke these words. I ask about the hurtful words. Again with wonder she said they weren't true.

I then ask her if she would go back one more time. She agreed and I ask Jesus to show her why she was afraid to love us. To be part of our family. More tears! As the tears flowed she said she couldn't because her step dad was haunting her. He wouldn't let her. I ask her if she wanted him out of her life. She did so more praying as we went back to where she allowed this “spirit” to attach. She told it to leave several times, each time with more force. She said it left, she felt it go. I ask her when she had allowed it to attach. She said, “Seventh Grade.”. We talked about how she will need to be on guard and how she needs to fill herself with God. She said she feels good. That she feels free.

It will be interesting to see how this day of NOT going to church effects each of us.

MN is devouring The Shack. I suggested that both she and J take turns reading a chapter. J didn't want to. MN started and is on chapter 8! No make that chapter 9! Is she getting it? Well, we are talking about each of the chapters since the chapter called “The Great Sadness.” No, she isn't getting everything but then did any one else get all the layers the first reading? Much less reading at the speed of light! I am hoping J will get with the program and start really reading it. I am betting it will become assigned reading in the morning.

I have to share what happened yesterday morning.  MN came to me upset because J was "judging" her bio's and she doesn't like it.  She is highly upset and almost in tears.  J isn't in the room, but comes in as we talk.  I keep trying to find out why it hurts so.  She says it just does.  I try pointing out that she is judging J.  She doesn't get it.  Oh by judging, J thinks her bio's should be in jail for what they did.   Finally after J is in the room she figures it out enough that when I ask why it bothers her so much she answers, "I love them!"  Wow!    I hug her and tell her how proud I am.   I tell her how much she is showing J God's love. She has forgiven them for what they did.  She knows it was wrong and all but she doesn't hold grudges.  She loves them as God calls her to.   J gets up from the other end of the table and comes down and hugs her also.  I am trying to get J to understand this love.  I point out that MN doesn't want to live with them, but loves them. MN nods and says some day she wants to see them and give them a Bible and tell them about Jesus.   From there we talk about forgiveness and how allowing God to heal us frees us from the past junk.  This is all a different language to J.  She does "hate" some of her abuses and others she is afraid to voice the feelings she has.   After MN was able to voice she loves them then she could see how she was judging J also.    

This all happened as I was trying to eat breakfast.  Don't you want to come eat and join in our conversations?